when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
