Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
