You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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