i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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