everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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