____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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