I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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