Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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