I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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