It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
