What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
