It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
