went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
