had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
