Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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