there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
worst night to have a conscience
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I would fuck him just for his dog
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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