she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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