A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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