News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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