just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
