My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
