she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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