Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
