just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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