i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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