Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
