I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
