i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
