my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
