Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
