I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
