I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Houston, we have a blender
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
