I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
