Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
