Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
