He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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