So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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