Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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