im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize