this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
