did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
