it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
