Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
