so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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