I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
