Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
