i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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