Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
