Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
