I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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