I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
